Compromise

Let’s talk about what makes someone willing to compromise. I don’t mean compromise at work or somewhere it’s a do or die kind of situation. I mean in a relationship (platonic or romantic), what makes you willing to adjust your behaviour to accommodate the feelings of the person you’re dealing with?

Well, I believe the answer is love.

Do you love the person enough to subject yourself to what is often an inconvenience?! I’m aware it’s not always as simple as a yes or no, but in my experience if the answer is no, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, the no is indicative of a larger issue. I’ll give you an example.

I had a friend who was married to a man who would leave loose change around the house. His folks did so when he was growing up and I guess he took the habit with him into adulthood. It drove my friend crazy, she liked a tidy space because it made her feel calm and was conducive to her productivity. So, she bought a dish for the front hallway and asked him to keep all his change there. He didn’t want to, said the habit made him feel at home and he was free to be as he wanted in his (their) space – I see his point. But, they’re no longer married.

You see compromise isn’t so simple as a yes or no. It can involve extreme vulnerability from one side to admit they’ve been hurt and need you to adjust something in your behaviour to make them feel ‘okay’. En revanche, it will involve the other person to be willing to listen, examine their own behaviour and evaluate the request as either an unnecessary judgement or an investment in the future of the relationship. Both sides are hard and both require strength, and compassion. Basically, how badly do you want it?

So the answer is love. Do you love the person enough to hear their side and work on a compromise that suits both? I hope so.

The thing they don’t tell us is we all deserve a love like that, a love that makes you feel safe and heard. The thing they don’t tell you is next time you’re asked to compromise or want someone to compromise, think of this, and know it’s okay if the compromise isn’t worth it, but also that they deserve someone who will compromise in the way they need. Equally, if someone can’t compromise in the way you need, you deserve someone who will – never accept behaviour you’re not comfortable with.